The Trial of Harold Horseface: Verdict

This morning, the jury reached a decision in the case of Vermont v. Horseface. After the foreperson handed their verdict to the clerk, Greggery Peccary, Judge Lorelei Westinghouse asked him to read it: 

Westinghouse: Has the jury come to a decision? 

Mr. Peccary: Yes, Your Honor. In the matter of the people of the State of Vermont versus Harold Horseface, the jury in the above entitled action finds the defendant not guilty of the crime of aggravated assault. The jury also finds the defendant guilty of the crime of disorderly conduct. 

Westinghouse: Has the jury made a sentencing recommendation? 

Peccary: Yes, Your Honor. Considering that the defendant refused bail and has been in jail for six months, the jury recommends that he be sentenced to time served. 

Westinghouse then gave her final statement: 

Westinghouse: Frankly, this has been one of the most bewildering cases I have ever presided over. Before I bring this trial to a close, I would like to remind Mr. Horseface that while his dedication to White River Junction is admirable, in the future he should make sure he follows the law when giving back to the community. I sentence the defendant to time served, which means he is free to go. Court is adjourned. 

After the trial had ended, Harold’s defense attorney Zigmond T. Bronstein, Esq. gave a brief press conference outside the courthouse: 

Bronstein: We are pleased that the jury came to the correct decision and found Harold not guilty of aggravated assault. Obviously, we believe he is innocent of the disorderly conduct charge. The prosecution’s gross misrepresentation of the Christmas march directly led to the ruling against my client. However, given that Harold has already paid his debt to society, we feel that the time and effort required to successfully appeal would be better spent elsewhere. I will be using that time to listen to my brand new copy of The Joshua Tree. 

When asked for comment, state’s attorney Roy S. Mooser said only this: 

Mooser: This certainly has been one of the trials of all time. Honestly, it’s given me a headache, so I’m going home to bed. 

Overall, this trial has been one of the most important things to happen in White River Junction in the 21st century, and it is sure to be remembered in the annals of Vermont legal history. 

End of objectivity 

All future posts, unless otherwise noted, represent the opinions of Harold Horseface and/or Big Chris and do not necessarily represent objective truth.