The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 8

Quick message from Big Chris: 

I realized I forgot to mention on the blog last week that Judge Westinghouse became ill on Tuesday night, and the trial was on recess for the rest of the week. If you were unaware of this, I did mention it on Harold’s Instagram account, @haroldhorseface, so that’s what you get for not following him. 

The trial of Harold Horseface resumed this morning after a three-day recess. Judge Westinghouse became ill on Tuesday night, which caused the break in the proceedings. Westinghouse thanked the prosecution, the defendant and his counsel, and the jury for their understanding and promptly began the day’s session. Harold once again took the stand, this time for cross-examination. 

Mooser got up and walked over to the stand, directly across from Harold. He seemed very confident. 

Mooser: Mr. Horseface, on January 7th of this year, you organized what you have described as a Christmas march, is that correct? 

Horseface: Yes, it is. 

Mooser: Did you have a permit for this march? 

Horseface: Yes. I was given a perpetual permit in 2019 when I had the first one. 

Mooser’s confident expression quickly faded and was replaced with one of confusion. He clearly was expecting Harold to say that he didn’t have a permit. 

Mooser: Who gave you this permit? 

Horseface: I don’t remember her name exactly, she worked for the town… 

Mooser: Do you have a written record of this permit? 

Horseface: No, it was a verbal agreement. 

Mooser: And what was that agreement? 

Horseface: That I could have my marches every year. 

Mooser: So you had a permit for your march on January 7th? 

Bronstein: Objection! Asked and answered. 

Westinghouse: Sustained. 

Mooser: Let me rephrase that. You were permitted to have your march on January 7th this year, even though historically it has been on December 24th? 

Horseface: Yes. The woman at the town office was very understanding. 

Mooser: Do you remember anything at all about this person who gave you the permit? 

Horseface: Let me think. She was tall, very skinny, had a gray dress… she had this strange green hat, it went out at a 90 degree angle… it had writing on it, like the name of the designer or the brand… I wanna say it was Saks Fifth Avenue or something… no wait, sorry, that was a signpost. I don’t really remember anything about her. 

Mooser sighed, then moved on to a new topic: 

Mooser: You stated that the reason this march occurred on January 7th was because you wanted to show solidarity with the Macedonian people. Is that correct? 

Horseface: Yes. 

Mooser: You do realize that January 7th is the date of Christmas in the Greek Orthodox Church too, not just the Macedonian Orthodox Church? 

Horseface: Okay, and? 

Mooser: I just find it hard to understand why you would have your march on a significant day for the Greek people, given your opposition to them. 

Horseface: I am not against the Greek people. I just think that countries should get to choose their own names without fear of retaliation. 

Mooser: How do you reconcile that sentiment with the North Macedonian government’s appropriation of the history of ancient Macedon? 

Horseface: Look, I do not endorse the Macedonian government’s attempt to claim Alexander the Great as a national hero. The Macedonian Empire predates the migration of the Slavs to Europe, and its legacy clearly belongs to Greece. I understand why people in Greece are upset about this, but this is a separate issue from the naming dispute. Just because a country shares its name with a larger geographic region doesn’t mean it’s stealing that region’s name or preventing others from identifying with it. It would be like if the Marshall Islands, a country within the region of Micronesia, got upset with the country of Micronesia for having the name ‘Micronesia’. And not liking another country’s name isn’t a reason to blackball them from the international community. That is why I stand in solidarity with the people of Macedonia, not because I have something against the people of Greece. 

Mooser: Alright, but if the goal was to show solidarity with the Macedonian people, why didn’t you have your march on North Macedonian Independence Day? 

Horseface: Because it was a Christmas march. 

Mooser: You just said that you chose the date of the march to demonstrate solidarity with Macedonia. 

Horseface: That is correct. 

Mooser: Okay, but which one was it? A Christmas march, or a demonstration of Macedonian solidarity? 

Horseface: It was a Christmas march, during which we demonstrated solidarity with the Macedonian people. 

Mooser didn’t seem to be getting where he wanted with this line of questioning, so he went to another one: 

Mooser: Moving on to your musical selections. Why were there very few Christmas songs on your setlist? 

Horseface: I wouldn’t say that was the case. Most of the songs on our list were standard Christmas songs. The other less-common songs were chosen in line with the UVSC and I’s artistic vision for the march. 

Mooser: How many non-Christmas songs were on the list? 

Horseface: The only one that wasn’t a Christmas song was ‘Denes nad Makedonija’. 

Mooser pulled out a sheet of paper: 

Mooser: Okay, well, according to Mr. Chernyshevsky’s testimony from last Friday, you played a song called ‘Explosion’. I looked up the lyrics, and I’d just like to read them for the court: 

‘Something pale and mercenary 

Left a pile of turkey 

Very near a little Spanish town 

And every day the big cranberries 

Peer into the mouths of Marys 

Being held for nothing more 

Than being what was there before 

All this happened.’ 

Now what on earth does that have to do with Christmas? 

Horseface: Well, those are actually the lyrics to ‘Lightning’, not ‘Explosion’. It’s a common mistake to confuse the two; the titles were switched on several reissues of the EP. We didn’t sing that song. 

Mooser: Still, you planned to sing those lyrics as part of a Christmas march. What do they have to do with Christmas? 

Horseface: It’s from Santa Dog. It’s obviously Christmas music. 

Mooser was clearly starting to get frustrated by Harold’s stubbornness. While he was already treating Harold as a hostile witness, his questioning became more pointed as he asked about the events of the march: 

Mooser: We have eyewitness testimony and video evidence showing that your march caused traffic jams and car accidents throughout the town. How were you unaware that this was going on? 

Horseface: I was the line leader. I had a responsibility to make sure we went the right way, so I was watching the road. It’s like that song says: ‘You keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the serpent’. 

Mooser: You do realize that watching the road means noticing cars, right? 

Horseface: Well, yeah, that’s a part of it, but I wasn’t really looking at things that weren’t right in front of me. 

Mooser: So you’re saying that you were unaware of your surroundings? 

Horseface: No, not at all. I was just fixated on the road and making sure we were going the right way. 

Mooser: You obviously weren’t that fixated on the road if you were able to throw candy canes at people. 

Horseface: Well of course I saw people. That was the whole point of the march, to bring joy to the community. The people are the community. 

Mooser: Wasn’t the point of the march to show solidarity with Macedonia? 

Bronstein: Objection! Asked and answered. 

Westinghouse: Sustained. 

Mooser looked over his shoulder and glared at Bronstein, then continued: 

Mooser: So you saw people, but no cars? 

Horseface: I did see cars. 

Mooser: Well then did you or did you not see the traffic jams caused by your march? 

Horseface: I saw cars stopping for us, but that’s what cars do. 

Mooser: So when you saw lines of cars stopped in the road as you marched by, it didn’t cross your mind that you might be causing a traffic jam? 

Horseface: I don’t know, I just figured they were being polite by not running us over. 

Mooser: And when you heard people honking their horns at you, you didn’t think they were wanting you to get out of the road? 

Horseface: I thought they were honks of encouragement. 

Mooser was getting increasingly irritated by Harold’s obtuse answers, and Bronstein’s constant objections didn’t help his mood either. Like with all the other witnesses, he went through events in chronological order, ultimately arriving at the moment when the marchers were confronted by Officer Polmer: 

Mooser: What did Officer Polmer ask you when he first stopped you on South Main Street? 

Horseface: He asked if I had a permit. 

Mooser: Did you tell him that you ‘didn’t need a permit to have a Merry Christmas’? 

Horseface: Yes. 

Mooser: Why did you say that when you allegedly had a permit? 

Horseface: I mean it’s true. I don’t need a permit to have a Merry Christmas, and neither do you. 

Mooser: I – never mind. Did Officer Polmer ask you to cease your march? 

Horseface: He did. 

Mooser: And what was your response to him? 

Horseface: I don’t recall. 

Mooser: You said you had to keep going, didn’t you? 

Horseface: That sounds vaguely familiar. 

Mooser: Can you just give me a straight – I swear to God, if you say ‘Objection!’ one more time…

Bronstein had stood up to get a glass of water. 

Bronstein: Jeez, I just wanted some water. Calm down. 

He filled his cup, then sat back down. 

Mooser: Mr. Horseface, did you follow Officer Polmer’s order to stop the march? 

Horseface: I guess not, no. 

Mooser: And what happened when you tried to continue marching? 

Horseface: He tried to take my serpent from me. 

Mooser: You stated in your testimony Tuesday that you instinctively pulled your serpent back when Officer Polmer tried to take it from you. Why didn’t you do something else to prevent him from taking your serpent, like holding it in your left hand or just gripping it tighter? 

Horseface: I don’t know, that’s just what I did. 

Mooser: Did you do this because you knew he would hit his head on the bell when he tripped? 

Horseface: No. I didn’t know he was going to fall on me and hurting him was not my intention. 

Mooser: But you were aware that he was standing in a pothole, correct? 

Horseface: Well, I know that now, but at the time I wasn’t really focusing on the intricacies of the pavement. I was keeping my eyes on the road – 

Mooser: And your hands upon the serpent. Yes, we remember. That’s not how that song goes, by the way. 

Horseface: Oh really? How does it go? 

Mooser: The line is ‘Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.’ 

Horseface: But I didn’t have a wheel. I had a serpent. 

This statement finally pushed Mooser over the edge: 

Mooser: We all know you had a goddamn serpent, cause it’s covered in the blood of the cop you assaulted! 

Horseface: I didn’t assault anyone, I – 

Mooser: You intentionally moved it so Officer Polmer would hit his head on it! 

Horseface: I just told you that – 

Mooser: Then, once he had fallen into the street, you pinned him down so you could finish the job! 

Horseface: Now that’s not what happened – 

Mooser: We have eyewitness evidence from a police officer proving you did this! 

Bronstein: Objection! 

Mooser and Westinghouse looked at Bronstein expectantly. After a few seconds, Bronstein said: 

Bronstein: Habeas corpus, you feel me? 

Mooser: What the hell does that have to do with anything? 

Horseface: No, it’s true. Habeas corpus. 

Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein, you can’t just say ‘Habeas corpus, you feel me?’ and expect something to happen. 

Bronstein: This is something, and it is happening. 

Mooser: Your Honor, Mr. Bronstein is clearly trying to disrupt my questioning with nonsensical objections! 

Bronstein: And what a tragedy that would be! Your ‘questioning’ (here Bronstein made air quotes with his wings) has become nothing more than shouting things at my client and refusing to accept his truthful answers! This is not lawyering; this is a disgrace to the State of Vermont and the County of Windsor! 

Westinghouse banged her gavel. 

Westinghouse: Order! We will have order! Mr. Bronstein, I have already asked you not to make frivolous objections. Do not make me charge you with contempt of court. Mr. Mooser, if you have any actual questions for the defendant please ask them, otherwise stop badgering him. 

Mooser: Oh, I have one more question for you, Mr. Horseface. All the damage, all the chaos and injury you caused with your march. Are you happy with how it went? 

Harold thought for a second, then answered: 

Horseface: Overall, I think it was our best march yet. Yes, I am happy. 

Mooser: No further questions. 

Westinghouse: Does the defense wish to redirect or call another witness? 

Bronstein: The defense rests, Your Honor. 

Westinghouse: Alright. Tomorrow we will hear your closing statements. Court is adjourned.

Today's sketch: