The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 7

This morning, defendant Harold Horseface took the stand to testify in his own defense. Harold seemed calm but slightly nervous. His lawyer, Zigmond T. Bronstein, Esq., began by asking Harold to give his own recollections of events described earlier in the trial by his ex-wife, Ethel. The prosecution was evidently not pleased with this line of questioning: 

Bronstein: Before we get into the specifics of what went down on January 7th, I want to ask you about some events that earlier in the trial were used as examples of your allegedly poor character. The first of these is an incident involving catfish. 

Mooser: Objection! This is blatantly irrelevant to the case and is a waste of the jury’s time! 

Westinghouse: Mr. Mooser, may I remind you that one of your witnesses gave several hours of testimony about events unrelated to this case in order to question the defendant’s character. It is only natural that he would want to respond to those claims, and it would be unfair to prevent him from doing so. Your objection is overruled. You may continue with your line of questioning, Mr. Bronstein. 

Bronstein: Thank you, Your Honor. Harold, how did you come into contact with the catfish? 

Mr. Horseface: I was walking home, and I saw a duffel bag sitting on the sidewalk next to a bus stop. I noticed the bag was leaking water, and I could hear splashing sounds coming from inside. It didn’t seem like the bag belonged to anyone, so I opened it up and there they were. 

Bronstein: Just to be clear, these were live catfish inside a duffel bag full of water. 

Horseface: That is correct. They said they were hitchhiking to Burlington. 

Harold didn’t want the catfish to freeze while waiting for a ride, so he decided to bring them back to his house so they could warm up. When he got home, however, he learned that Ethel had her own idea for what to do with his new friends: 

Bronstein: What did Ethel say to you when you arrived back home? 

Horseface: She said, ‘I hope you brought dinner.’ 

Bronstein: How did you respond? 

Horseface: I said that I had found some catfish on the side of the road, and I had invited them over so they could warm up. Then I opened the bag so she could see them. 

Bronstein: And what did Ethel do next? 

Horseface: She looked at them, licked her lips, and said ‘I love fried catfish.’ 

Harold immediately took great offense at this statement, saying that he would never eat his new friends. Ethel replied that it was unfair of him to unilaterally decide to host a dinner party. Despite Harold’s insistence that this was just an informal gathering of friends, Ethel said she needed at least a week to recover from this traumatic experience and that Harold would have to leave. 

Bronstein: Where did you go after Ethel kicked you out? 

Horseface: Well, I felt I had to do something to help the catfish after what Ethel said, so I took them to McDonald’s so they could get something to eat. Then, I bought them a Greyhound ticket so they could get to their destination safely. After I put them on the bus, I went up to Gile, which is where I typically went whenever Ethel kicked me out. 

Bronstein: Harold, why would you go live in a wooden shelter with no heat or doors on top of a mountain in the middle of January? 

Horseface: All my relatives immigrated to Detroit years ago, so Gile Mountain was the only place I had to go. The shelter and the fire tower have been in my family for generations. 

Bronstein: Well, if you ever need it, you can always stay at my place. 

Horseface: Thank you, I appreciate it. 

Harold went on to correct the record for several of Ethel’s other claims. He stated that after his reckless performance at the kielbasa-throwing contest, he gave an immense apology to the people he threw kielbasas at and paid for the window to be repaired. He also confirmed Bronstein’s theory that the Grand Canyon concert was moved to Flagstaff due to inclement weather. The Flagstaff concert was in fact the performance heard on the album Music for Telescopes: Crosby, Stills, Zorn, Ride, and P-Orridge Live at the Lowell Observatory. This performance is notable for being the only known concert where the audience was entirely made up of telescopes. Bronstein concluded this line of questioning by asking Harold about the dodecahedron incident: 

Bronstein: Just for the jury’s reference, what are the Platonic solids? 

Horseface: They are five polyhedra, all of whose faces are the same shape and all of whose vertices have the same number of edges coming off of them. The five Platonic solids are the tetrahedron, the cube, the octahedron, the dodecahedron, and the icosahedron. 

Bronstein: Tell us about how you first encountered the Platonic solids. 

Horseface: I first became acquainted with the Platonic solids in a bazaar in Sarajevo. As I looked at the different stalls, I felt a sense there was something of great significance watching me. So I turned around and there they were. Such wondrous shapes! 

Bronstein: From the way you speak about this, it sounds like this was a deeply moving experience for you. 

Horseface: Indeed it was. 

Harold stared wistfully into space for what felt like minutes. Bronstein clearly expected him to elaborate, but eventually he just went on to his next question: 

Bronstein: How did you find out about Ethel’s tweets? 

Horseface: Oh, well, I’m not on Twitter, so I heard about them on the radio. 

Bronstein: What was your initial reaction to them? 

Horseface: I figured that they must be from someone else named Ethel. I didn’t want to believe that my wife could harbor such hatred in her heart. 

Bronstein: And how did you find out that they belonged to your wife? 

Horseface: When I got home that day, I told her about the horrible things I heard on the radio. She said it was indeed her that tweeted those hateful words and I won’t lie, I was upset with her. I said ‘You must apologize for what you did! You don’t know the ramifications of your statements!’ But she doubled down and said that the Platonic solids deserved to burn in Hell for all their sins. 

Bronstein: What did you do next? 

Horseface: I went to the hardware store and I… I bought… I needed to show that… Those sweet, innocent solids… Why would she be so cruel? 

Harold became so distraught at the thought of Ethel’s hatred of the Platonic solids that he began to weep. Judge Westinghouse declared a recess so he could compose himself. After fifteen minutes, Harold had stopped crying and was ready to continue testifying. 

Bronstein: Let’s talk about your Christmas marches. These have been going on for some time, is that correct? 

Horseface: Yes. The first one was in 2019. We didn’t do one in 2020, but we have every year since then. 

Bronstein: When you say ‘we’, do you mean you and the Upper Valley Swan Choir? 

Horseface: Yes. 

Bronstein: What compelled you to organize this event? 

Horseface: My main reason was because I wanted to give back to the community and spread the spirit of Christmas. At the same time, I had just met some members of the UVSC and wanted to find a way to collaborate with them. I met with the whole choir, and we felt that a march through White River Junction would be the best way to combine these two goals. 

Bronstein: Historically, these marches have occurred on Christmas Eve, but this year it took place on January 7th. Why was the date changed? 

Horseface: That’s the day of Orthodox Christmas. 

Bronstein: Why did you decide to have the march on Orthodox Christmas? 

Horseface: To demonstrate my solidarity with the Macedonian people. 

Harold described how he visited Macedonia while he was getting his master’s degree in serpent performance. He remembered his visit there fondly, but it was only recently that he became more passionate about the Macedonian cause. This happened in October of last year, when he learned that the country was renamed to North Macedonia in 2019. 

Horseface: The Greek government refused to let Macedonia join NATO or become an EU candidate unless they changed the name of their country! Hell, in the ‘90s they even tried to block them from joining the UN! The international community has just accepted that it’s OK for one country to bully another into changing its name, and I for one think that is unjust. I believe in the self-determination of peoples, and just because the Macedonian people developed a national consciousness late in the game doesn’t mean you can just take their name from them. 

Bronstein: Harold, there are some people who feel that displaying this level of pro-Macedonian sentiment amounts to being anti-Greek. What do you say to this? 

Horseface: Oh no, I have nothing but love for the Greek people! Greece has contributed so much to the world, and it has a rich and fascinating history and culture. You know, my godfather was Ioannis Xenakis. My issue is not with the people of Greece, but with the policies the Greek government and certain hardline nationalist groups have adopted towards the people of Macedonia. If I have ever come across as being anti-Greek, I sincerely apologize. 

Bronstein then moved on to the events of January 7th: 

Bronstein: Take me through the events of the march. Where and when did it start? 

Horseface: We all met up at the VA Hospital at 4:30 so we could perform for the veterans. We had a pretty good turnout, too. Then at 5:00 we set off down the road. 

Bronstein: How did passers-by react to the march? 

Horseface: Everyone seemed happy to see us. 

Bronstein: Did you witness any frustration or negativity? 

Horseface: I think there may have been some people who were indifferent or just had a resting expression on their faces, but I saw mostly smiles. 

Harold recounted the events of the march, describing how he and the UVSC winded through the streets of White River Junction. Children were delighted to receive the candy canes Harold threw at them, and people of all ages sang along with the choir. As the marchers made their way to the center of town, Harold called “Fire”, a raucous call-and-response carol that was a big hit every year. It was while they were performing this song that they reached the post office on South Main Street and were stopped by Officer Polmer. While the jury (and anyone reading this) surely knew what happened next, Bronstein still made sure to get Harold’s side of the story: 

Bronstein: What did Officer Polmer say to you after he stopped the march? 

Horseface: Well, the first thing he said was that he didn’t want a candy cane. Then he started asking me about permits, and I told him that wasn’t an issue. He wanted to know what we were doing, so I explained that this was a Christmas march for Macedonian solidarity. We talked about it for a bit, but then I figured we should keep moving. Bronstein: What happened when you tried to start marching again? 

Horseface: Well, I started to play ‘Aircraft Damage’, which as you know begins with me playing the fanfare on my serpent and then the whole choir shouts ‘Weescoosa!’ After I did that, though, Officer Polmer started to come closer to me. It seemed like he was going to take my serpent, so I stopped playing and held it up against my right shoulder. 

Bronstein: Why did you do that? 

Horseface: Look, my serpent is something I cherish greatly, and it’s not exactly cheap to repair. Holding it up and away from him was a gut reaction to protect something that is very valuable to me. 

Bronstein: What happened next? 

Horseface: As I was holding up my serpent, Officer Polmer tripped on the edge of the pothole he was standing in and fell towards me. He hit his head on the bell of my serpent, then he sorta fell sideways into the road. 

Bronstein: What was going through your head when that happened? 

Horseface: My first thought was this is horrible! This was supposed to be a happy occasion, and now someone is hurt! My second thought was that Officer Polmer might need medical attention. I wasn’t sure if he hit his head on the pavement. 

Bronstein: What did you do then? 

Horseface: I switched my serpent to my left hand, since I’m right-handed, and I reached out to him to try to help him back up. I asked him ‘Officer, are you alright?’, but he didn’t respond. Then the other police officer came at me from behind and grabbed my arms. 

Bronstein: What happened after Officer Nicklaus grabbed you? 

Horseface: I was startled, so I dropped my serpent. He told me I was under arrest and put me in handcuffs. I wanted to make sure you guys knew that Officer Polmer was hurt, so I yelled out for someone to call 911. Christmas is about joy and merriment, but it’s even more so about helping others. 

With Harold’s account complete, Bronstein asked his final questions: 

Bronstein: Harold, you have been charged with disorderly conduct for your part in organizing the march and aggravated assault for what happened to Officer Polmer. Do you think that your Christmas march on January 7th constituted disorderly conduct? 

Horseface: No, I don’t. It was a very orderly event. 

Bronstein: And do you think it is fair for you to be imprisoned for Officer Polmer’s injury? 

Horseface: I don’t think that either. I feel really bad that Officer Polmer was injured at my march, but I didn’t attack him. 

Bronstein: Thank you for your testimony, Harold. No further questions. 

Tomorrow, prosecutor Roy Mooser will cross-examine Harold. 

Today's sketch: