The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 6

The second week of Vermont v. Horseface began this morning with more testimony from the defense. The first witness called to the stand today was Louis Belfast. Belfast was an eyewitness to the events of January 7th, but he also provided expert testimony that bolstered the defense’s case: 

Bronstein: Mr. Belfast, what is your occupation? 

Mr. Belfast: I am a professor in the Department of Bothrology at Dartmouth College. 

Bronstein: What is bothrology, in layman’s terms? 

Belfast: It is the study of holes. 

Bronstein: Any kind of holes? 

Belfast: Well, my research deals with earth-bound holes, but I have colleagues that study keyholes, wormholes, loopholes, peepholes, donut holes… we’re a very interdisciplinary department. 

Bronstein: What brought you to White River Junction on January 7th? 

Belfast: I was conducting research on the holiday pothole tradition here. 

Belfast stated that one of his main scholarly interests is the complex relationship between holes and the people who dig them. He thus found the town of Hartford’s tradition of cutting festive potholes into the streets during the holiday season to be an excellent case study. Belfast spoke at length about the history and cultural significance of this practice: 

Belfast: There are even records going back to the colonial era of holes called ‘pittes of plenty’ being dug to commemorate special occasions in the town of Hartford. Of course, the Puritans were against this practice. 

Bronstein: Fascinating. So what exactly were you doing on January 7th? 

Belfast: I spent the afternoon making casts of the different pothole shapes around town. 

Bronstein: What were the locations of these potholes? 

Belfast: They were on Cascadnac Avenue, the Route 5 bridge, South Main Street, and Nutt Lane. 

Bronstein: Is the South Main Street pothole you examined located by the post office? 

Belfast: Yes. 

Bronstein: And what was its shape? 

Belfast: It was shaped like a gingerbread man. 

Bronstein: Do you have the cast of that pothole with you today? 

Belfast: Yes, I do. 

Belfast showed his cast of the pothole to the jury. It was indeed shaped like a gingerbread man. Bronstein then asked him about the march: 

Bronstein: Where were you at 5:45 that evening? 

Belfast: At 5:45 I was walking back to my car, which was parked by the train station. I was coming down North Main Street and was about to cross over the railroad tracks when I saw the march in the distance. 

Bronstein: What did you do at this point? 

Belfast: I thought it would be nice to see the march go by, so I went a little further down South Main Street to watch it. 

Belfast stood across from the post office and waited for the march to pass him by. Before it could, however, Officer Polmer ran out to stop it. Just like with Mr. Chernyshevsky on Friday, Bronstein asked Belfast about the condition of the road where Polmer was standing: 

Bronstein: Where did Officer Polmer stand while speaking to Harold? 

Belfast: He was standing in the pothole by the post office. 

Bronstein: This would be the same pothole you made a cast of earlier that day? 

Belfast: That is correct. 

Belfast confirmed Chernyshevsky’s account of the altercation. Officer Polmer tripped on the edge of the pothole while trying to take Harold’s serpent and hit his head on the serpent’s bell. Harold tried to help Polmer back up but was arrested before he could do so. Belfast offered to call an ambulance but learned that the UVSC was already on it. Not wanting to get in the paramedics’ way, he went back to his car and drove home. 

Mooser appeared very suspicious of Belfast’s testimony, and his cross-examination was surprisingly accusatory: 

Mooser: Professor Belfast, I’m not entirely convinced that the cast you showed us looks like a gingerbread man. 

Belfast: That’s perfectly understandable. It’s the context in which we see these symbols that informs our interpretation of them. This shape was meant to be seen outdoors in December, possibly with snow and ice surrounding it, while here we are in a courtroom in mid-July. 

Mooser: Do you have any other evidence of potholes with this shape appearing elsewhere in Hartford? 

Belfast: I recall seeing one other gingerbread man that day. 

Mooser: But you have no physical evidence of this other pothole? 

Belfast: No, I do not. 

Mooser: And if I were to walk out of this courthouse and go down to South Main Street, would I see any evidence of any holiday-themed pothole? 

Belfast: I would think not; it’s probably been filled in. 

Mooser: Filled in. That’s very convenient, because frankly, Professor, I’m having a hard time believing that this pothole existed at all. Apart from the testimony of you and Mr. Chernyshevsky, the only evidence we have proving its existence is a cast that can be easily made in a lab. Are you absolutely certain that you saw Officer Polmer trip on the edge of a pothole before the defendant’s serpent made contact with his head? 

Belfast: I am one hundred percent certain. I specifically remember thinking that I was glad I had already made my cast, because part of the pothole chipped off when Polmer tripped on it. 

Mooser: Are you one hundred percent certain that the defendant did not strike Officer Polmer with his serpent? 

Belfast. Yes, I am. 

Mooser: And are you also one hundred percent certain that the defendant reached out to help Officer Polmer up, rather than pinning him down so he could strike again? 

Belfast: Yes, I am. 

Mooser: Okay then. No further questions. 

Westinghouse: Does the defense wish to redirect? 

Bronstein: No, Your Honor. 

Westinghouse: Very well. You can go now, Mr. Belfast. 

Belfast: Before I go, may I just say that this entire case has provided new insight into human-hole interactions, and I think it would make an excellent addendum to my study. 

The second witness Bronstein called to the stand was Sally Martinez, an employee of the town of Hartford: 

Bronstein: What do you do for a living, Ms. Martinez? 

Ms. Martinez: I work for the Hartford Department of Public Works. 

Bronstein: And what specifically do you do there? 

Martinez: I work in the Highway Division, so my duties include repairing the roads, plowing them in the winter, stuff like that. I’m also in charge of the town’s holiday pothole program. 

Martinez testified that she and her team create the potholes each year in mid-November to ensure they are all ready by the start of the holiday season. They distribute them around the town of Hartford, but the majority are usually constructed in White River Junction. Bronstein seemed genuinely curious about the construction process: 

Bronstein: How do you make the potholes? 

Martinez: We use a small excavator with a custom-built pneumatic cookie-cutter attachment. This works basically like a bunch of jackhammers all hammering at once. We use the cookie-cutter to establish the outline of the shape, then we use shovels and pickaxes to remove the pavement within. 

Bronstein: What shapes of cookie-cutter does the town of Hartford use? 

Martinez: Right now, we have four shapes, which are a Christmas tree, a candy cane, a gingerbread man, and a dreidel. We are working on developing a menorah and a kinara, but we’ve had some difficulty with those. It’s hard to get all the individual candles to outline accurately. 

Bronstein: How deep are the potholes you create? 

Martinez: Depends on the quality of the pavement, but they range anywhere from three to six inches deep. 

Bronstein then questioned Martinez about the specific pothole at the center of the trial: 

Bronstein: Is it true that in November of 2023, the town of Hartford constructed a gingerbread man-shaped pothole on South Main Street between North Main Street and Gates Street? 

Martinez: That is correct. 

Bronstein: Were you involved in its construction? 

Martinez: Yes. I operated the cookie-cutter. 

Bronstein: Do you have any records of the pothole existing at this location? 

Martinez: Yes. This is our 2023 pothole planning map for the White River Junction area:

Bronstein: Based on your experience creating potholes, do you think it is possible that someone would trip while traversing one? 

Martinez: I would say it is not only possible but probable. That’s why we encourage pedestrians to use the sidewalk. 

After finishing her testimony about the construction of potholes, Mooser began his cross-examination: 

Mooser: Is there a reason why the map you provided does not give an exact street address for any of the potholes? 

Martinez: We choose the exact locations in the field. 

Mooser: Was the location of the South Main Street gingerbread man 27 South Main Street, by the post office? 

Martinez: Yes. 

Mooser: Why, then, is there no visible patch in the road at that location? 

Martinez: For the holiday potholes, we make sure that the material we use to fill them exactly matches the color of the surrounding pavement. It wouldn’t be special if there was a gingerbread man-shaped patch in the road all year round. 

Mooser sighed. 

Mooser: You really get paid by the town to cut potholes into the street? 

Martinez: Yes. It’s a tradition. You really haven’t heard of this before? Aren’t you from Windsor County? 

Mooser: I am, but I live in Baltimore. I’m only ever up here for trials. No further questions, I guess. 

Court was adjourned following Ms. Martinez’s testimony. Tomorrow, the court will hear testimony from the final witness for the defense. That witness is Harold Horseface himself. 

Today's sketch: