The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 5

Today's first sketch:

Today marked the beginning of testimony from witnesses for the defense. The first was Lucius Greenfield, the president of the Upper Valley Swan Choir:

Bronstein: Mr. Greenfield, as president of the Upper Valley Swan Choir, you were greatly involved in the planning of the march, is that correct?

Mr. Greenfield: Yes, that is correct.

Bronstein: The state has claimed that this event constituted disorderly conduct. Would you say that that is a fair description?

Greenfield: Of course not! It was a very orderly, well thought-out march.

Bronstein: Do you have any evidence to back this up?

Greenfield: Yes. This is our official plan for the January 7^th Christmas march.

Greenfield produced a piece of paper from under his wing:

Bronstein questioned Greenfield about the planning of the march, and Greenfield used his document to explain different aspects of it to the jury. One such aspect was the route taken by the marchers:

Bronstein: What route did you plan to take?

Greenfield: At first, we were planning to go all the way to Quechee, but we realized that it would get too dark to do that safely. We still planned to go a long way, 5.18 miles to be exact.

Bronstein: And the route you chose went into Hartford Village, is that correct?

Greenfield: Yes. Even though the people of White River Junction and the people of Hartford Village are sworn enemies, Harold wanted to bring the parade there as a gesture of goodwill during the holiday season.

Bronstein then moved on to the events of January 7^th:

Bronstein: Tell us about the defendant’s altercation with Officer Polmer.

Greenfield: Well, I was at the back of the parade, so I didn’t really see what happened.

Bronstein: As someone who has collaborated artistically with the defendant for the last five years, do you think Harold is the type of person who would assault a police officer?

Greenfield: Oh, no, of course not. Harold is one of the kindest, most warm-hearted people I know. Why, we started the march at the VA Hospital this year so we could perform for all the sick veterans.

Bronstein: What songs did you perform for the veterans?

Greenfield: Don’t you remember? You were there too.

Bronstein: I know what we sang, but you have to tell the jury.

Greenfield: Oh, right, sorry. We sang “Oh Holy Night” and “Joy to the World”.

Mr. Mooser then began his cross-examination:

Mooser: Mr. Greenfield, you have stated that what happened on January 7^th was a Christmas march, is that correct?

Greenfield: Yes, cause that’s what it was.

Mooser: May I ask, then, why your setlist included a song by REO Speedwagon?

Greenfield: One of the UVSC’s artistic missions is to break new boundaries with our repertoire. We included that song to make the audience question what it truly means for a song to be a Christmas song. Is it a song about Christmas, or is it a song that is performed at Christmas? These are the kinds of artistic debates we are interested in.

Mooser: Okay. You also stated that one of the songs you performed was ‘Joy to the World’.

Greenfield: That is correct.

Mooser: Would you be willing to sing it for the court?

Greenfield: Certainly!

Greenfield stood up and began to sing:

‘Jeremiah was a bullfrog

He was a friend of mine

I never understo-o-od a single word he sai-ai-aid

But I helped him drink his wine

And I helped him drink his wine

And I he-elped, I he-e-elped him drink his wine.’

Bronstein: Objection! How is this relevant to the case?

Mooser: Your Honor, I am establishing that this march couldn’t have been a Christmas event because half of what they sang were classic rock songs.

Bronstein turned angrily towards Mooser:

Bronstein: Hey! Just because we use an alternate text doesn’t mean it’s not a Christmas song! The meaning is embedded in the pitch content!

Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein –

Bronstein: We’re not about coddling closed-minded rascals like you with your bland, normative concept of Christmas! We’re pushing the envelope, man! Épater les bourgeois!

Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein! Please address all comments to the bench, and do not insult the state’s attorney! Your objection is overruled.

Mooser: No further questions, Your Honor.

Grumbling, Mr. Bronstein called the next witness for the defense. This was Omar Chernyshevsky, another member of the Upper Valley Swan Choir. Bronstein’s questioning focused on the events of the march, rather than its organization:

Bronstein: What was your position in the march formation relative to the defendant?

Mr. Chernyshevsky: I was standing one row behind Harold and to his right.

Bronstein: So you would have had a very close view of his interactions with Officer Polmer?

Chernyshevsky: Yes, that is correct.

Bronstein: Describe what happened after Officer Polmer halted the march.

Chernyshevsky: Officer Polmer came around front to talk to Harold.

Bronstein: What was the condition of the pavement where Polmer was standing?

Chernyshevsky: He was standing in one of the holiday potholes. It was shaped like a gingerbread man.

Chernyshevsky confirmed Polmer’s account of his conversation with Harold. Harold was friendly with the officer but unreceptive to the idea of ending the march. Bronstein then asked about the circumstances leading up to Officer Polmer’s injury:

Bronstein: What happened after Harold stopped talking to Officer Polmer?

Chernyshevsky: After Harold played the opening bars of ‘Aircraft Damage’, Polmer stepped forward to try to take the serpent from him.

Bronstein: How did Harold react to Polmer attempting to take his serpent?

Chernyshevsky: Well, Harold is very protective of his instrument, so he stopped playing and held it up to his shoulder.

Bronstein: What happened next?

Chernyshevsky: I guess Officer Polmer didn’t realize he was standing in a pothole, because he tripped and fell towards Harold. Harold was moving his serpent just as that happened, so the serpent’s bell was right where Polmer’s head went. Polmer hit his head on the serpent and slumped over into the road. His head was cut pretty badly.

Bronstein: What did Harold do then?

Chernyshevsky: Harold was shocked by what had happened. He reached down to help Polmer back up and asked if he was alright. That’s when Officer Nicklaus ran over and arrested him.

As Harold was taken to the police car, he called out to the UVSC, asking them to help Officer Polmer and then continue the march. Chernyshevsky called 911, and he and the other members stayed around to tell the paramedics what had happened. However, after a brief discussion, the UVSC decided to end the march early this year. Bronstein concluded his examination by asking about the choir’s intentions for the march:

Bronstein: Was it the intention of the defendant, the UVSC, or any of its members to cause anybody physical harm during the march?

Chernyshevsky: We were just trying to spread the holiday spirit; that was the last thing we wanted to do. On behalf of myself and the entire UVSC, I want to say how sorry we are that Officer Polmer was injured at our march.

Mooser stood up to cross-examine Chernyshevsky:

Mooser: I noticed that your setlist had no specific order. How did you determine which songs you performed?

Chernyshevsky: Harold would call them as we went. He likes having whatever song we sing fit the mood of the street.

Mooser: What songs did you end up singing?

Chernyshevsky: Other than the two we sang at the hospital, we sang ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’, ‘Take it on the Run’, ‘Denes nad Makedonija’, ‘I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas’, ‘Explosion’, and we were singing ‘Fire’ when Officer Polmer stopped us.

Mooser: Is there a reason why most of those aren’t traditional Christmas songs?

Chernyshevsky: We wanted to save some of those for when we got to the center of town.

Mooser: I see. 

Mooser paused for a second:

Mooser: He really tripped on a pothole, huh?

Chernyshevsky: Yes, that’s right

Mooser: He tripped on a pothole and hit his head on Harold’s serpent.

Chernyshevsky: Yes.

Mooser: You saw Officer Polmer trip over a pothole, fall towards the defendant, hit his head on the defendant’s serpent, and then fall to the ground.

Chernyshevsky: Yes. I was standing right there

Mooser: That’s actually what you saw happen?

Bronstein: Objection! Asked and answered.

Westinghouse: Sustained.

Mooser shook his head in disbelief:

Mooser: Fine. Do you or anyone else in the UVSC feel responsible for what happened to Officer Polmer?

Chernyshevsky: No, we don’t.

Mooser: Why, then, are you apologizing for Officer Polmer’s injury?

Chernyshevsky: Just because I apologize or express concern for something doesn’t mean I’m responsible for it. I can be sorry that the Hindenburg exploded, but that doesn’t mean I set it on fire. We never meant for anyone to get hurt at our march, and we regret that Officer Polmer was injured, but what happened to him was an accident. We in no way caused this to happen.

Mooser ended his cross-examination, and Bronstein prepared to call his third witness:

Bronstein: The defense calls Svetlana Corleone to the stand to give expert testimony on the history of the Upper Valley Swan Choir.

Mooser: Objection! Is this really relevant to the case?            

Bronstein: Of course it is! She’s an expert!

Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein, your list of witnesses seems to have an awful lot of experts. May I ask what their areas of expertise are?

Bronstein: Well, Amanda Orozco is an expert on polyphony, and James Carlos Black is an expert on the topography of Vermont, and Salvador Monella will be testifying about Christmas traditions from around the world, and Faith Hamburger –

Mooser: It seems to me, Your Honor, that Mr. Bronstein has invited all of his friends from the UVSC to testify, maybe so they can get out of work or something. If it is possible, I would like to request that no more members of the UVSC be called to testify.

Bronstein: Hey!

Westinghouse: It would be unfair to bar any member of the UVSC from testifying, but Mr. Mooser’s point about relevance is valid. Therefore, I am ruling that any further members of the Upper Valley Swan Choir that are called to the stand must have testimony that is both new and relevant to the defendant’s actions on January 7^th. Mr. Mooser’s objection to this witness is sustained. You may call your next witness, Mr. Bronstein.

Bronstein: See, there’s the problem. You just eliminated my next nineteen witnesses. The witnesses after them aren’t even here today; they were busy. I told them it’d be fine if they didn’t come until Thursday, but now I’ve got to call them and reschedule.

Westinghouse: Fine. I am declaring a recess, but this is the second day we have had to adjourn early due to your lack of preparedness.

Bronstein: Hey, you guys are the ones that have a problem with my witnesses. Don’t blame me for this one.

The trial of Harold Horseface will resume Monday with more testimony from the defense.

Today's second sketch: