The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 4

The trial resumed today with the cross-examination of Ethel, Harold’s ex-wife: 

Bronstein: Okay, Ethel. You made some interesting statements about the defendant yesterday, and I just want to see if you stand by them.

Bronstein began by following up on Ethel’s claims that Harold was a liar: 

Bronstein: How did you know that Harold wasn’t at the Grand Canyon while he was on tour? 

Ethel: I used the Find My Device feature on his phone. 

Bronstein: Why did you feel the need to check that? 

Ethel: It’s something perfectly normal to do. When you’re married to someone, you have the legal right to track their location at all times. 

Bronstein: Okay, well that’s not an actual law, and it’s kinda messed up that you would do that. Regardless, Ethel, are you familiar with the state of Arizona? 

Ethel: Yes. It’s the Sunshine State. 

Bronstein: Well, no, it isn’t, but you bring up a very good point. Would it surprise you to learn that temperatures at the bottom of the Grand Canyon can reach 110 degrees Fahrenheit? 

Ethel: That seems reasonable. 

Bronstein: Do you think that it would be healthy or comfortable to have a concert in such conditions? 

Ethel: You know, it probably wouldn’t be. 

Bronstein: Then why would you assume that Harold would be in Flagstaff for nefarious reasons, rather than because his concert was moved to an indoor location? 

Ethel: Because Flagstaff is a sinister place home to nothing but trouble. Everybody knows that what happens in Flagstaff stays in Flagstaff. That’s why it’s called the Las Vegas of the West. 

Bronstein seemed puzzled by this response, but went on: 

Bronstein: You also testified that you felt deceived by what Harold told you about his occupation. Setting aside the fact that you can’t manufacture crows, why was this such a big deal to you?

Ethel: I feel that had I known all along that he wasn’t in the crow industry, I might not have married him. 

Bronstein: Are you admitting that you only married Harold because you thought he was a wealthy business owner? 

Ethel: Well, it was certainly a factor that weighed into my decision. 

Bronstein: Was love a factor? 

Ethel: I plead the Fifth. 

The jury murmured at this revelation. Judge Westinghouse banged her gavel and called for order. Bronstein then questioned Ethel’s anecdotes about Harold’s volatile behavior: 

Bronstein: You stated yesterday that Harold would leave the house for days at a time and live in the shelter on Gile Mountain. What exactly about that practice struck you as being dangerous? 

Ethel: It was dangerous to himself. Plus, if he was willing to do something that extreme to himself after just arguing with me, who knows what he could do to others. 

Bronstein: Did you ever kick Harold out of the house following one of your arguments? 

Ethel: I don’t recall. 

Bronstein: Did you ever ask him to leave the house because he was negatively affecting your mental wellbeing? 

Ethel: I did a few times. I have numerous mental health problems and occasionally need peace and quiet. 

Bronstein: Have you ever been formally diagnosed with any mental disorder? 

Ethel. No. I don’t believe in Western medicine, especially psychiatry. 

Bronstein: Alright. You also described an incident when the defendant tried to demolish parts of your house in order to turn it into a dodecahedron. Do you have any idea why Harold would do this or why he would become so emotional? 

Ethel: I do not. 

Bronstein: May I remind you that you are under oath? 

Ethel: I may have made some comments that upset him. 

Bronstein: I would like to read for the court several tweets Ethel posted on October 11th, 2019:

The jury let out an audible gasp. 

Bronstein: ‘KYS’ stands for ‘kill yourself’, does it not? 

Ethel: That is correct. 

Bronstein: Your Honor, I move to have this witness’s testimony about polyhedral matters stricken from the record. It is clearly tainted by her utter contempt and disrespect for the Platonic solids. 

Mooser: Objection! This testimony demonstrates the defendant’s history of irrational and dangerous behavior. 

Westinghouse: Objection overruled. The witness has already provided non-polyhedral testimony to that effect, and the existence of these tweets shows that her account of these events is biased and untrustworthy. I ask that the jury please disregard all of this witness’s statements related to polyhedra. 

Bronstein continued his cross-examination in a similar manner, methodically exposing the holes in Ethel’s testimony and proving to the jury that she was an unreliable witness. Ethel grew more and more indignant as her attempts to smear Harold’s name were rebuked. Bronstein lastly addressed the kielbasa incident: 

Bronstein: You testified that after Harold threw the kielbasa through the window, he left without checking on the person he hit, correct? 

Ethel: Yes. 

Bronstein: Perjury is a serious offence, Ethel. 

Ethel: He did go up to talk to him, but I don’t know what he said. 

Bronstein: You also said you encouraged Harold during the contest. 

Ethel: Yes, I did. 

Bronstein: How did you encourage him? 

Ethel: I was cheering him on. 

Bronstein: What cheers did you say? 

Ethel: I don’t know, ‘Go Harold!’, ‘You can do it!’, things like that. 

Bronstein: Was one of your cheers, ‘You’re useless! You can’t do anything right!’? 

Ethel: I don’t recall. 

Bronstein: Was one of your cheers, ‘A real man would win me that Golden Kielbasa!’? 

Ethel: I don’t recall. 

Bronstein: Was one of your cheers, ‘You just embarrassed me in front of the whole town! I don’t want to see your face again until you learn how to throw a kielbasa straight!’? 

Ethel: I don’t recall. 

Bronstein took the gloves off and went all in on Ethel: 

Bronstein: Why must you turn this courtroom into a house of lies? I was there! I was in the UVSC’s Kielbasa Nova performance! I saw the whole thing! You pressured Harold into entering the contest, and then you got mad when he didn’t throw at a professional level! 

Ethel: It was pathetic! What was I supposed to do? 

Bronstein: Hey! I’m the lawyer! Look at my suit! I ask the questions! And my question for you, Ethel, is how long are you going to keep wasting the jury’s time and the taxpayer’s dime with your nonsense? Everything you have said these last two days has been an outright lie, a lie by omission, or a distortion of the truth! You have no real examples of Harold lying to you, do you? 

Ethel: I do too! 

Bronstein: Well then tell us! We’re dying to hear! 

Ethel: Harold told me when we first met that he was allergic to pomegranates, but in reality, he just doesn’t like them. 

Bronstein broke into cackling laughter: 

Bronstein: Ha! That’s your big example of Harold lying to you? That’s the most asinine thing… this is priceless… that’s your definition of a pathological liar? Who cares? 

Mooser: Objection! He’s badgering the witness! 

Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein, I think you’ve made your point. If you have no further questions for the witness, please sit back down so Mr. Mooser can redirect. 

Wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes, Bronstein said he had no further questions. Mooser stood up and began his redirect examination of Ethel: 

Mooser: Ethel, you may have inadvertently omitted some things in your testimony yesterday, but that doesn’t change your assessment of the defendant’s character, is that correct? 

Ethel: Yes. He’s a weirdo, he’s a loser, he’s a menace to society. 

Mooser: And despite however you may have reacted to Harold’s actions, that doesn’t negate the fact that he behaved dangerously, right? 

Harold whispered to Bronstein, who nodded and wrote something down. 

Ethel: That’s right, I… Oh, I see. You wanna talk shit about me, huh? DON’T ACT LIKE I DIDN’T SEE THAT, HAROLD! 

Mooser: He’s allowed to talk to his attorney, Ethel. 

Ethel: YOU’VE BEEN ASKING FOR THIS FOR FAR TOO LONG! I PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAP FOR SEVEN YEARS, BUT NOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS WHO YOU REALLY ARE! YOU’RE GONNA ROT IN PRISON, HAROLD! 

Westinghouse: Order! We will have order! If the witness does not calm down, I will have her removed! 

Ethel: YOU WASTED SEVEN YEARS OF MY LIFE, HAROLD! I WANT THEM BACK! YOU’RE GONNA GET WHAT’S COMING TO YOU! 

Westinghouse: Bailiff, please escort Ethel from the courtroom! 

The bailiff removed Ethel from the stand and led her out of the courtroom. Ethel continued to shout obscenities as she left and was still audible from out in the hall. Harold appeared slightly melancholy but generally unfazed by her outburst. 

Westinghouse: That’s better. The prosecution may call their next witness. 

Mooser: The prosecution rests, Your Honor. 

Westinghouse: Very well. We will begin with witnesses for the defense tomorrow morning. Court is adjourned. 

Given that we are now roughly halfway through the trial, I wanted to include some of my own personal reflections on the case so far. Now obviously I’m biased, but I feel the state didn’t do a great job at providing evidence for the aggravated assault charge. The three eyewitnesses they brought in all had incomplete views of the altercation. That being said, Nicklaus’s testimony seemed to really affect the jury. Ethel’s did too, although she pretty much discredited herself today. The charge of disorderly conduct will be trickier to beat, especially with all the evidence of car accidents. Regardless, I am confident that Harold will be exonerated once we present our evidence.

Also, sorry there's no sketch today, I was too caught up in the total humiliation of Ethel! I'll make up for it with two tomorrow. -Big Chris