The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 3

Another note from Big Chris:

Well, Zigmond, Harold, and I pulled an all-nighter, and we feel pretty confident about how we'll be responding to Ethel’s testimony. I also want to say that I’ve calmed down from yesterday’s shock, and I will be continuing to present journalistic coverage of the trial. Somebody’s got to get the truth out there, cause God knows Ethel won’t.

Yesterday, the prosecution shocked the defense by announcing that Ethel, Harold’s first wife, was going to testify against him. Today, Mooser began by having Ethel outline her history with Harold:

Mooser: State your full legal name for the court.

Ethel: Ethel.

Mooser: What is your relationship to the defendant?

Ethel: Harold is my ex-husband.

Mooser: How long were you two together?

Ethel: We were legally married from 2016 to 2023, but you could say we were separated starting in 2021.

Ethel explained how in February of 2021, Harold suddenly disappeared. Not knowing how to find him, she hired a private detective to track him down. This ultimately was fruitless, as Harold was able to evade the detective. Months later, Ethel learned that not only had Harold left her for another woman, but they had eloped in Reno. After a prolonged court battle lasting two years, Ethel agreed to divorce Harold, and Harold’s marriage to his new wife Vanessa was recognized as valid by the state.

Mooser then stated the reason why Ethel was called to testify:

Mooser: As someone who is well-acquainted with the defendant, you have a unique insight into the kind of person he is. What is your assessment of Harold’s character?

Ethel: Harold Horseface is a pathological liar and an erratic and volatile person. His behavior is unpredictable and irrational.

Mooser: These are pretty serious indictments. I assume that you have examples to back up these claims?

Ethel: Do I ever.

Mooser began by questioning Ethel about Harold’s honesty:

Mooser: How did the defendant lie to you during your relationship?

Ethel: Well, when I first met Harold, he told me that he owned a crow manufacturing business. He kept telling me this all through our engagement. It wasn’t until after I married him that I learned that he didn’t really manufacture crows for a living and that he was actually an underemployed musician. Needless to say, I was shocked that he had deceived me for so long.

Bronstein: Objection! There’s no way she actually believed that! Everybody knows that crows are grown, not manufactured!

Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein, you will have the opportunity to cross-examine the witness. Please limit your interruptions to actual objections. You may continue with your testimony.

Mooser: Thank you, Your Honor. Ethel, did the defendant tell you any other lies about his career?

Ethel: Yes. When he was on tour with Crosby, Stills, Zorn, Ride, and P-Orridge, they were scheduled to perform in the Grand Canyon. Night of the concert comes around, and I discover that he’s actually in Flagstaff.

Mooser: Why would he go to Flagstaff?

Ethel: That’s what I’d like to know.

After detailing more examples of Harold lying to her, Ethel then addressed her second claim – that Harold is a volatile and erratic person:

Mooser: Can you recall an instance when Harold did something that you would characterize as irrational?

Ethel: Well, one night, in the dead of winter, he came home with a duffel bag full of live catfish. He said he wanted to keep them as pets. I told him we didn’t have the space, and he got upset and left the house.

Mooser: Was this typical behavior for Harold?

Ethel: Oh yes. Every time we argued, he would leave the house for days afterwards and I wouldn’t be able to contact him.

Mooser: Would he tell you where he was?

Ethel: No. Eventually I figured out that he would sleep in the shelter on Gile Mountain, up in Norwich.

Mooser: And is this where he stayed after the catfish argument?

Ethel: Yes. He stayed there for a week in January. I was worried sick.

Mooser: Were there any instances that weren’t connected to arguments with you where Harold acted erratically?

Ethel: There was another time when Harold became convinced that our house needed to be dodecahedral.

Mooser: Why did he think that?

Ethel: I have no idea. He was always coming up with weird ideas like that.

Mooser: Did he try to do anything about the shape of the house?

Ethel: Yes, he went out and bought a sledgehammer and tried to knock the walls down. When I asked what he was doing, he said ‘You need to understand what it’s like to be a dodecahedron. That’s the only way you’ll learn.’

Mooser: Did Harold actually do any damage to your house?

Ethel: No, he just started sobbing and locked himself in the bedroom.

Ethel continued to testify for several hours about Harold’s allegedly dangerous eccentricities, times she felt Harold slighted her, arguments they had, her self-diagnosed mental health issues, the works of Ayn Rand, and frankly a bunch of other junk that nobody reading this would find very interesting. Finally, Mooser reached the question he had been building up to:

Mooser: Was there ever a time where Harold’s volatility made you concerned for the safety of your community?

Ethel: Yes.

Mooser: And when was that?

Ethel: It was at the 2020 White River Junction Kielbasa-Throwing Contest.

For those of you who are unaware, kielbasa-throwing is a game similar to horseshoes. Each contestant receives a set of five shrink-wrapped kielbasas, and they take turns throwing them at a post in the ground. If at least one of a contestant’s kielbasas lands around the post, they move on to the next round. The distance to the post increases after each round, and the last contestant standing wins the Golden Kielbasa trophy. The White River Junction Kielbasa-Throwing Contest takes place every February in order to prevent spoilage. Ethel said that in 2020, Harold was one of the final two contestants:

Ethel: It was down to the final round, and Harold hadn’t been satisfied with his performance. He had only gotten one kielbasa on the post for the last five rounds. I was trying to encourage him, but he just got more and more frustrated.

Mooser: How did Harold do in this round?

Ethel: The first kielbasa went nowhere near the post. Harold got very upset and started screaming. He threw each of the others more violently than the last. One of them went into the bleachers and smacked a guy in the face; another one almost hit a child. Finally, on the fifth kielbasa, he spun around like a hammer thrower and chucked it into the air. It flew out of the park and broke through somebody’s window.

Mooser: How did you and the other spectators react to this?

Ethel: No one wanted to say anything; we were all pretty shaken up. It was frightening to see someone react that strongly to a fun game.

Mooser: Did Harold say anything to the people he threw the kielbasas at?

Ethel: No, he just sorta wandered off.

Mooser: Ethel, your testimony has shown that the defendant has a pattern of erratic, irrational, and dangerous behavior. Based on your history with him, do you think it is plausible that he would cause a public disturbance and assault a police officer?

Ethel: Yes, I do.

Mooser: No further questions.

Due to the length of her testimony, the cross-examination of Ethel will take place tomorrow. 

Today's sketch: