The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 2

The second day of Vermont v. Horseface began today with testimony from Officer Arnold Polmer, the police officer injured in the events of January 7^th. Mr. Polmer began by describing how he encountered Harold’s march:

Officer Polmer: Around 5:30 that night I was on patrol with my partner, Officer Nicklaus. We were driving up Church Street when we witnessed a traffic collision at the intersection with Gates Street.

Mooser: What was the cause of this accident?

Polmer: Seemed like one of the drivers was trying to take a shortcut because of all the traffic and they went around the corner without looking to see if anyone was there.

Mooser: What was the extent of the damage?

Polmer: It wasn’t too bad, just a fender-bender. But we still stopped to make sure they were alright and to see if they wanted to make a report.

Polmer testified that he and Officer Nicklaus were finishing up their conversation with the drivers when they heard a loud crash and blaring horns coming from further down Gates Street. They ran over and saw that another, more serious car crash had occurred:

Polmer: Someone had driven their SUV into the rear left door of a Subaru station wagon.

Mooser: Were there other cars at the scene?

Polmer: Yes, all the traffic on Currier Street was backed up. The back of the Subaru was sticking out into the intersection with Gates Street, and the driver of the SUV wasn’t paying attention and plowed right into it.

Mooser: What was the extent of the damage?

Polmer: Both of the cars were totaled. Thank God that no one was injured.

It was at this point that Officer Polmer noticed the march progressing up South Main Street:

Polmer: I could hear the sound of car horns coming from the direction of the train station, and I turned that way to see what was going on. That’s when I saw the defendant marching up the street.

Mooser: What did you do then?

Polmer: I told Jacques to finish making the accident report, and I ran down to South Main Street to stop the march. I blew my whistle to get their attention.

After getting the marchers to stop, Polmer ran up to the front of the parade and confronted Harold:

Mooser: How did the defendant react when he first saw you?

Polmer: He shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas.

Mooser: What did you say to him?

Polmer: I asked him if he had a permit for his march.

Mooser: What was his response?

Polmer: He said he didn’t need a permit to have a Merry Christmas and offered me a candy cane. We went back and forth for a while, until finally I said ‘Look, you’re causing a traffic jam. There’s already been several car accidents. I need you to stop your march.’

Mooser: How did he react?

Polmer: He said ‘But think of the children! Someone needs to wish them a Merry Christmas! We must march on!’ Then he shouted to the choir ‘Hit it, gang!’ and began to play his horn thing.

Mooser: What happened next?

Polmer: At this point I was ready to arrest him, or at least detain him until we could get the roads cleared. I stepped forward to take his horn from him. The next thing I knew, I was on the pavement. I was dizzy and my head was bleeding. I could see his horn lying a couple feet away from me, and it had blood on it.

Mooser: What was your partner, Officer Nicklaus, doing at this time?

Polmer: Jacques was putting the defendant in the back seat of our squad car.

Polmer testified that an ambulance took him to the hospital, where he received nine stitches. Had he gotten to the hospital sooner, he would have only needed one. He was also diagnosed with a concussion.

During cross-examination, the defense centered its questions around one part of Polmer’s testimony:

Bronstein: Mr. Polmer, you testified that after you began to take Harold’s serpent from him, you woke up on the pavement. Do you recall how you ended up on the road?

Polmer: I do not, no.

Bronstein: So you have no recollection of whether or not Harold hit you with the serpent?

Polmer: That is correct. Because of the concussion, my memories of what happened after I tried to take his serpent are a little hazy.

Upon redirect, Polmer clarified his statements:

Polmer: I know the serpent hit my head. It had blood on it, and I was the only person injured. I just can’t remember whether or not Mr. Horseface hit me with it.

The relatively straightforward and unemotional testimony of Officer Polmer contrasted with the fiery rhetoric of the previous day’s proceedings. This changed, however, after the prosecution called their fourth witness, Officer Jacques Nicklaus. Nicklaus began his testimony by confirming Polmer’s account of the two car accidents. After finishing the report for the second crash, he walked back to his car and went to see what his partner was up to:

Officer Nicklaus: I drove down to the corner to see how Arnie was getting along.

Mooser: What did you see when you reached South Main Street?

Nicklaus: I saw Arnie lying in the road with the defendant looming over him.

Mooser: Describe how exactly the defendant was positioned over Officer Polmer.

Nicklaus: He was pinning him down on the pavement with his right hand, and he was holding up his bloody serpent with his left.

Mooser: At that moment, what did you think was about to happen?

Nicklaus: There was not a doubt in my mind that the defendant had hit Arnie with the serpent and was preparing to do so again.

Nicklaus got out of his car and ran down the street. He grabbed Harold’s arms from behind, causing him to drop his serpent:

Nicklaus: I placed the defendant under arrest and read him his rights. I then placed handcuffs on him and took him back to my squad car.

Mooser: How did the defendant react to this?

Nicklaus: He started shouting to the rest of the choir, saying things like ‘You must go on without me!’ and ‘Don’t let the magic die!’

Mooser: In your opinion, does the defendant’s conduct on January 7^th strike you as that of a well-balanced individual?

Nicklaus: No. I would describe Mr. Horseface as a violent and dangerous person.

During cross-examination, Nicklaus became argumentative when Bronstein pushed back on his claims:

Bronstein: Mr. Nicklaus, you made some very specific statements about what exactly the defendant was doing when you arrived on the scene. I’d like to just confirm the geography of it all. Where exactly were you when you first saw the defendant’s altercation with Officer Polmer?

Nicklaus: I was at the corner of Gates Street and South Main.

Bronstein: That would be at 55 South Main Street, correct?

Nicklaus: Yes.

Bronstein: What time was this?

Nicklaus: About 5:45.

Bronstein: And where on the street was Officer Polmer?

Nicklaus: He was lying in the street in front of the post office.

Bronstein: Would that be the post office at 27 South Main Street?

Nicklaus: Yes. What are you getting at?

Bronstein: Mr. Nicklaus, do you really expect the court to believe that you were able to make out the minutiæ of the defendant’s actions on a dark street, at a distance of roughly 60 yards?

Nicklaus: I have good eyesight. So sue me.

Bronstein: Do not tempt me, Mr. Nicklaus. But regardless of your eyesight, did you actually see the defendant hit Officer Polmer with his serpent?

Nicklaus: I knew he did it –

Bronstein: Answer the question! Did you or did you not see Mr. Horseface physically strike Officer Polmer with his serpent?

Nicklaus: No, that happened before I got to the corner. But I don’t need to see a crime happen to know exactly how it went down.

Bronstein: I believe that statement speaks for itself. No further questions.

After Officer Nicklaus’s testimony, Harold and Mr. Bronstein were expecting to begin presenting their evidence. But Mr. Mooser still had one trick up his sleeve:

Mooser: The prosecution calls Ethel to the stand.

Needless to say, this was shocking news:

Bronstein: What the hell is this? You aren’t allowed to call a surprise witness!

Mooser: I informed you of this months ago. Didn’t you get my letter?

Bronstein: Damn it! I knew I should have checked my mailbox! Your Honor, I understand this is irregular, but I would like to request a recess. I need time to review this evidence.

Westinghouse: Fine. I’ll adjourn court early today, but you’d better be ready by tomorrow morning.

Bronstein: Understood, thank you.

And at this point I’m going to drop the whole journalist act; I don’t know why I thought I could be objective in the first place. It’s totally outrageous that the state would call Ethel, the scourge of Harold’s existence, to testify! It’s also 100% not Zigmond’s fault that we didn’t know about this. When Mooser didn’t get confirmation that his letter was received, he should have further reached out to us to make sure we knew. Everybody knows that DeJoy gutted the USPS budget.

I don’t know what we’re gonna do tomorrow. 

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