The Trial of Harold Horseface: Day 1

Quick note from Big Chris:

People come to this blog to read Harold’s point of view, and if that is unavailable (as it is now), they want to read pro-Harold content. That is what I was hoping to provide with my coverage of Harold’s trial. So you can imagine my frustration when I arrived at the courthouse this morning and learned that no media outlets were covering this story. Not WVNY, not The Valley News, no one. If that wasn’t enough, when I got to the courtroom I learned that there was no sketch artist available.

I am neither a journalist nor an artist. I was hoping that my coverage for Harold’s blog would be more informal, especially since I am obviously not a neutral party. But seeing as no one else is going to do it, I am going to try to describe the trial in as detached and objective a way as I can. Fortunately, the court stenographer was kind enough to agree to give me transcripts of the proceedings, so I won’t have to write nearly as much and can also make some sketches.

Judge Lorelei Westinghouse began the trial of Harold Horseface this morning at 9:00 AM. Harold has pleaded not guilty to the charges of disorderly conduct and aggravated assault. The state’s attorney for Windsor County, Roy S. Mooser, began the proceedings with a forceful opening statement:

Mr. Mooser: Members of the jury, over the next several days I am going to tell you a story. A story about a day when anarchy descended upon this lovely town. A story about how one man’s actions turned a peaceful winter’s evening into a horror show of violence and destruction. And that one man is Harold Horseface.

Mooser’s statement painted a grim picture of the events of January 7^th, 2024:

Mooser: Mr. Horseface led his unpermitted mob through the streets with reckless abandon. The chaos he unleashed upon this town caused numerous car accidents and thousands of dollars’ worth of damage. You’d think that would be enough for him. But no! Not merely content with endangering the lives of dozens of motorists, Mr. Horseface then proceeded to viciously attack a decorated state policeman.

The opening statement for the defense was given by Harold’s attorney, Zigmond T. Bronstein, Esq. Mr. Bronstein’s tone was even more aggressive:

Mr. Bronstein: I am here today to defend my client not just against the false charges he is accused of, but against the borderline slanderous arguments the state of Vermont is using in its quest to put an innocent man behind bars.

Bronstein outlined how the prosecution’s framing of Harold’s actions was inaccurate. Notably, he provided an alternative explanation for Officer Arnold Polmer’s injury:

Bronstein: It is outrageous that the state would try to paint the tragic accident that befell Officer Polmer as an act of malice. Harold Horseface is an upstanding citizen who would never harm another human being. As you soon will learn, Mr. Polmer’s injury was caused by him tripping and hitting his head on Harold’s serpent.

As for the charge of disorderly conduct, my client’s Christmas march has been unfairly maligned by the state. They would have you believe that this was a spontaneous, disruptive event, the likes of which this town has never seen. This depiction couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, the march that occurred on January 7^th was part of a beloved holiday tradition meticulously planned to bring joy and happiness to the people of White River Junction.

Eventually, the fervor with which Bronstein delivered his statement died down, and he ended it with an appeal to the jury:

Bronstein: I trust that you will see that justice is served and find Mr. Horseface not guilty of these bogus charges. No, my client is guilty of one thing and one thing only, and that is spreading Christmas cheer. And you can’t convict somebody of that.

After this, the prosecution began to present its evidence. This included surveillance and dashcam footage from the night of January 7^th showing traffic jams forming as drivers encountered the march. Harold’s serpent was also shown to the jury. The prosecution noted the blood stains on the bell and stated that they matched Officer Polmer’s blood type.

The first witness called by Mr. Mooser was Margaret Lattimer, who provided testimony about the car accidents that resulted from the march. She testified that she was driving south on Route 5 when she encountered the march:

Ms. Lattimer: I was just merging into the rotary where Sykes Mountain Avenue meets Route 5 when I saw the march coming north from the VA Hospital. I slammed on the brakes, and I got rear ended by the U-Haul truck behind me.

Mooser: Were you injured in this collision?

Lattimer: Fortunately, I wasn’t, but my car was totaled.

Mooser: And how did the defendant react?

Lattimer: I don’t think he noticed. He and all the swans were singing “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”.

The defense declined to cross-examine Ms. Lattimer.

The second witness called by the prosecution was Grover Baffin. Mr. Baffin testified that he was leaving his Gates Street office when he heard numerous car horns blaring on South Main Street. Curious, he walked down to the corner and saw Harold’s march coming down the road. Mr. Mooser paid special attention to the song Harold and the Upper Valley Swan Choir were singing at the time:

Mooser: Can you describe what the marchers were performing when you saw them?

Mr. Baffin: Well, Mr. Horseface was shouting some nonsense phrases, I don’t remember exactly what they were, and then the whole choir would sing ‘Bing bing bing, bong bong bong’ and repeated what he said.

Mooser: Did this song seem like a Christmas song to you?

Baffin: No, it did not.

Mr. Baffin then went on to testify about Harold’s altercation with Officer Polmer:

Baffin: Officer Polmer came running up from the back of the parade, blowing a whistle to try to get them to stop. He made it to the front of the parade, and he turned around and started arguing with Mr. Horseface.

Mooser: What were they arguing about?

Baffin: I couldn’t make out everything, but I assumed it was about how he was blocking the road.

Mooser: What happened next?

Baffin: Well, Officer Polmer stepped towards Harold, I think to take his serpent from him, and I saw Harold raise up his serpent. I heard a thunk sound, and Officer Polmer fell on the ground with a head wound.

Mr. Baffin stated that he left the scene after this, as the situation seemed to be escalating and he did not want to get involved in something dangerous.

The defense then began its cross-examination of Mr. Baffin. Mr. Bronstein began by questioning what specifically Baffin meant by the phrase “raising up”:

Bronstein: Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines ‘raise’ as ‘to cause or help to rise’. Does that definition match what you saw the defendant doing with his serpent?

Baffin: Yes, pretty much.

Bronstein: Just so we’re all on the same page as to what action the defendant took, I’d like to ask you about some other definitions. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines ‘jab’ as ‘to thrust quickly or abruptly’. Does that definition match what you saw the defendant doing with his serpent?

Baffin: No.

Bronstein: Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines ‘thrust’ as ‘to push or drive with force’. Does that definition match what you saw the defendant doing with his serpent?

Baffin: No.

Bronstein: Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines ‘strike’ as ‘to touch or hit abruptly’. Does that definition match what you saw the defendant doing with his serpent?

Judge Westinghouse: Mr. Bronstein, you don’t have to say ‘Merriam-Webster’ every time.

Bronstein: Well, excuse me for citing my sources!

Baffin clarified that he did not see Harold jab, thrust, strike, whack, prod, or bludgeon Officer Polmer with his serpent; he only saw Harold move his serpent upward as Polmer fell down. Bronstein then introduced a new line of questioning:

Bronstein: Tell me, Mr. Baffin, how familiar are you with the work of The Residents? What do you know about the Theory of Obscurity? Have you studied the Theory of Phonetic Organization?

Baffin: None of what you just said made any sense to me.

Bronstein then presented the witness with a vinyl record:

Bronstein: I take it then that you have not listened to their 1972 Christmas EP Santa Dog?

Baffin: No, I have not. Hey, why does this have Richard Nixon’s address on it?

Bronstein: Your Honor, I would like to enter this record into the record, as it demonstrates the Christmasy nature of both my client’s march and the songs performed therein.

Westinghouse: Does the prosecution object to this?

Mooser: No, Your Honor.

Westinghouse: Very well, I will allow it.

After this, the court was adjourned for the day. The trial will continue tomorrow with testimony from Officer Arnold Polmer and his partner Officer Jacques Nicklaus.

Today's sketch: