Free Harold Horseface!

 

This is Big Chris writing again. A lot has happened in the last 5 months, and as Harold’s manager I’ve been up to my ears with lawyers, county prosecutors, and the like. Because of that, I’ve been too busy to update the blog, and Harold certainly doesn’t have access to it. I know all of Harold’s loyal readers are anxious to hear about what has happened, so I’ll get right to the point. Harold was arrested on January 7^th following his annual Christmas march. He has been charged with disorderly conduct and aggravated assault after he allegedly hit a police officer with his serpent. 

As you may remember from Harold’s last post, he was excited to celebrate Orthodox Christmas this year so he could show his solidarity with the Macedonian people. This happened on January 7^th. Harold also wrote about his plans to march through White River Junction playing Christmas carols with the Upper Valley Swan Choir. Usually this happens on Christmas Eve, but the UVSC agreed to move the date of this parade to the 7^th. I unfortunately was unable to join Harold, as I had a business meeting in Zilwaukee.

From what I have been told, the parade started off innocently enough. Harold led all 22 members of the UVSC up South Main Street towards the center of town, and he intended to march all the way to Quechee. However, as the citizens of White River Junction were not expecting Harold’s march to occur on Orthodox Christmas, a large traffic jam formed. You may also remember from Harold’s last post that the town of Hartford has a holiday tradition where they cut Christmas-themed potholes in the roads with giant cookie cutters. The combination of the sudden traffic jam and the large potholes resulted in a number of car accidents. Naturally, the police were called to investigate, and upon discovering the cause of the traffic jam they attempted to stop Harold’s parade.

The prosecutors claim Harold then attacked Officer Arnold Polmer, hitting him on the head with his serpent. This, of course, is ridiculous. Harold doesn’t have a violent bone in his body, and even if he did, he certainly would never use his serpent as a weapon. It is his livelihood. I have been asked not to disclose Harold’s defense strategy by his attorneys, but I can assure readers that there is ample evidence proving his innocence.

Zigmond T. Bronstein, Esq.

Regardless, Harold was arrested immediately afterward. I attempted to bail him out of jail, but he said being there was like a mini vacation and refused my money. Harold initially tried get the ACLU involved in his case, but they declined, stating that holding the parade on a different day than normal didn’t constitute a religious belief. Harold then wanted to be represented by Bart Durham, but he changed his mind after learning that Mr. Durham was not a criminal defense lawyer and was recently deceased (RIP). Instead, Harold is being represented by Zigmond T. Bronstein, Esq. He is a member of the UVSC who has volunteered to represent Harold pro Bono. This is similar to being represented pro bono, but instead of working for free Mr. Bronstein will receive the entire U2 discography as his payment.

In the five months since Harold’s arrest there has been a media blackout to avoid tainting the jury pool. That is why I have been unable to update for so long. However, as of yesterday the jury has been selected and the trial date has been set for July 8^th. I along with other major media outlets will be providing coverage of the trial as it occurs.

What Harold needs from all of you is your undying support and loyalty. The best way to show this is to spread the word about his trial. Share this blog and use the hashtag #freeharoldhorseface on your posts. You can also follow Harold’s new Instagram account, @haroldhorseface.

Stay posted for more information!