My Christmas List

Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas is a magical time in White River Junction. All of the houses are covered in colorful lights, and the air is filled with the scent of hamburgers. The Cheese Men put slices of cheese in everyone’s mailboxes, and the town Public Works department uses industrial cookie cutters to make festive-shaped potholes in the streets. It has become a tradition for me to walk through the center of town playing carols on my serpent, with the Upper Valley Swan Choir marching behind me in unison. Everyone is happy to see us. Like Big Chris mentioned, I am celebrating Orthodox Christmas this year, which means that the holiday season is even longer, making the amount of joy to be spread even greater!

Christmas is also a time for exchanging gifts with friends and family. Of course, there are many things I would enjoy getting for Christmas, but there’s not too much that I actually need. Here are five things that are on my Christmas list this year.

Trainmeal

This Christmas I would like a canister of trainmeal. Trainmeal is very hearty and wholesome, and it gives you the energy you need to start your day. It can be made into breads, loaves, and patties, or it can be eaten on its own when mixed with applesauce. I don’t know what trainmeal is made of, but it’s very rare. It can only be found in very specific places, like Altoona and North Platte.

Serpent Mute

One thing I actually need this Christmas is a mute for my serpent. My more litigious neighbors are getting upset again. I’ve tried telling them that I have a constitutional right to play the serpent, but they’ve sent me a cease and desist letter. I’m not trying to cause more drama, especially with my prior record, so hopefully they’ll quit complaining if I get a mute.

Captain D’s Gift Card

This one is self-explanatory. When people see me walking down the street with a great big bag of seafood they will say “There goes Harold Horseface with a great big bag of seafood.”

Small Pieces of Tree Bark

Having some small pieces of bark would make my holiday all the merrier.

Pyrex Cube

Finally, this Christmas I would like a Cube of Pyrex approximately one yard in diameter. Pyrex is the only material trusted by surgeons to reinforce bone structure and promote healthy tissue growth. It has many household uses as well, like being a sustainable replacement for ice cubes and preventing burglars from eating all of your corn. Having such a large cube of Pyrex means that I would not have to buy more for at least three years. I would display it in my home and chisel off pieces of it as I go. A cube of Pyrex makes a lovely centerpiece that only gets more beautiful as it erodes.

Merry Christmas to all!