What I'm Thankful For

Big Chris here. I have found it necessary to redact and provide context for some of Harold’s comments in this post. All of my annotations will be written using the italic alphabet.

Hi Friends,

First of all, I want to apologize for not having posted anything recently. I have been wanting to do so more frequently, but I had another Ozzy scare.

Harold is referring to a recent incident where he became convinced that Ozzy Osbourne had died, panicked, and fled town. This is the fourth time this has happened this year. This time, it was triggered when Harold heard two Black Sabbath songs in a row on the radio on a day that wasn’t Twofer Tuesday.

Because Thanksgiving is right around the corner, I wanted to share what I’m thankful for this year:

I am thankful for my wife Vanessa and all the love and kindness she has shown me this year. It has been difficult getting our marriage legally recognized, but she has been my rock throughout this process, and I am very grateful for that.

I am thankful for my mental and physical health. Both have significantly improved since I began taking cod liver oil supplements.

I am thankful for the good people of Reno for being such amazing hosts year after year. I am also thankful for the Washoe County District Attorney’s decision not to press charges.

If anyone from the Peppermill Casino is reading this, Harold is sorry for the damage he caused to the hotel room. He would like to discuss reimbursement but needs you to unblock his phone number so he can call you with the details.

I am thankful for my neighbor Greg, who told me that Osage oranges would not sell very well at the farmer’s market and that I shouldn’t plant them. This saved me a lot of money, as I would have had to import the trees from Oklahoma.

I am thankful for all the little birds that visit me at my window every morning. Whenever they see me, they say “Harold! Harold! Please give us a worm!” And I reply, “My little friends, it’s already 10 o’clock! It’s too late for worms, but I can give you a bowl of cereal.” And they ask, “Is it worm cereal?” And I reply, “Of course it is! That’s the only kind I have!”

I am thankful for Randy’s Auto Service Center for performing an emissions test on my new steamroller. I went to three different places and they were the only ones willing to help me out.

Even though I didn’t get in, I am thankful to the [Redacted] set of [Redacted] for letting me audition for their gang. I’d like to extend special thanks to [Redacted] and [Redacted] for their kind words and appreciation of my music.

Harold recently attempted to join a street gang. After showing up at a member’s house unannounced, he played “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!” on his serpent in an attempt to “audition” for the gang. He was politely but firmly rejected. I am not going to name names for obvious reasons, but I would also like to thank the involved parties for the tremendous restraint they showed when dealing with Harold’s antics.

But just because I didn’t join [Redacted] doesn’t mean I don’t have shooters. I am thankful for my shooters for keeping me and my loved ones safe and protecting my interests. My shooters can be anywhere within 10 miles of Interstate 91 in less than an hour. So let that be a lesson to whoever took down my flyers on York Street.

We know where you sleep.

Finally, I am thankful for all of you taking the time to visit my website and for Big Chris and his hard work in putting it together.

Thanks Harold! I’m thankful for you too.